A few years back I recieved an invitation to a friend's wedding. "This is exciting," I thought. I mean, I've known this guy since pre-school and until he moved out of Peoria, we never lived more than ten blocks from each other. 

The invitation, however, was in a disturbing format which until now has not been shown to me. 

The cover read as follows: 

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The favour of a reply is requested by October 1, 2000. 
Number of persons attending ______ 
Unable to attend ____ 
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You can surely understand and appreciate my situation. After all, they ask essay questions and leave nothing but spaces appropriate for multiple-choice answers! 

Luckily for me, the inside opened up to a suitable writing surface, where I provided the following answers to their questions: 

Dear Mr & Mrs ParentsOfTheBride, 

Thank you for inviting me to such an important family event. I do have some questions regarding the invitation. 

As for "Number of Persons Attending," I have not yet seen your guest list nor have I attended the wedding as it occurs in the future, so I am unable to answer this question with any degree of accuracy. I do realize that in this day and age weddings tend to break away from the traditional planning and try to do more modern things to involve the guests in an active fashion. Is this question similar to the contests hosted in drugstores where one needed to guess the number of jellybeans in the jar? If so, what will I win? 

Regarding the "Unable to Attend" section, I can imagine this would be a fairly large number. Although I do not know the bride's side of the family, I think we can pretty much count out the population of Iceland, as well as third world locations such as New Jersey. 

However, if you write indeed seeking my assistance to determine who exactly will not be attending this event, please email or fax a copy of the guest list and I will gladly cross-reference the list with my hardbound copy of the global phone directory. 

Back to the "Persons Attending" situation, I will attend alone, so there's one. Add to this the rest of the people whom you invited. If I was expected to guess a number as I suggested above, my entry is 264 including the wedding couple. 

I understand that traditionally, the winner of the jellybean jar contest took home the jar of candy as a prize. In this particular instance, however, I have no need for a banquet hall filled with formally-dressed adults. I would suggest for practicality reasons that if I do win the contest, please donate my prize to a local theatre group or movie production house as there is often a call for formally dressed extras for scenes including parties and political scandal. 

Another option might include packaging up the individuals in crates and storing them in a warehouse until further need; for example if the country was to experience another great depression these crates could be open and the people set free. Although this sounds absurd I feel that in a time of financial crisis, seeing hundreds of formally dressed people wandering around would cast the impression of better times, thus boosting morale and increasing production of essential goods at reasonable prices, available at a retail location near you. 

Thank you for understanding my situation as to the prize should I win. Normally I would not request such special ness, but I only have guest arrangements for one couple, and I'm almost out of milk. 

Life is Good